Let’s hope we didn’t mess up. I’m not ready for big life changes before I graduate.
Honestly, if I was in my last semester or done college (undergrad) then I wouldn’t care. But seeing as I have a year and a half left…well…shit.
21? No Thanks. February 7, 2010
I’m sick of people asking me what I want to do for my birthday.
I could care less that I’m turning the big two-one in a month, drinking is overrated.
It’s simply another year, I don’t need to celebrate it.
On that note, people who makes their lives revolve around drinking make me sick. Get a life.
I Thought I Was Done With This? February 2, 2010
You know, it was silly of me to think that drama would end. No matter the relationship, no matter the person, there will always be drama. There will always be questions and doubts. How can I trust anyone if I know they are just going to talk behind my back. If I’m “ruining” someone’s life so much, then maybe I should just call it quits. I’m done trying to get people to like or accept me. I am who I am. I’m sorry that I don’t party, go to clubs or drink. It’s not my lifestyle. And just because I don’t do those things, doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to have a good time. I’m sorry that I enjoy quiet evenings, acoustic music, and talking about books and independent films. I’m sorry if going out doesn’t include getting trashed, but rather getting my mind filled with intellectual thoughts. Yes, I like to let go. I like to free my mind through certain substances but I do it because it makes me think. They make me see the world differently and interpret things in a whole new light. I’m sorry that you think I’m controlling, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. I would literally die if I was ever controlled and therefore I would never do that to someone, especially if they were as free spirited as me. I’m sorry that I speak my mind and tell you how I feel on certain subjects, but that’s who I am. I’m not forcing my ideas on you or anyone else. Just know that this is how I think, and nothing short of a miracle will change my mindset. I’m all about the betterment of one’s self. I think people should be happy, healthy and live life to the fullest. For me, partying and drinking is not living. Getting high for the sake of getting high is not living. These things are superficial, downers and in the end (in my opinion, and from what I’ve seen) will only make you miserable. I believe that we are only meant to connect, truly connect and trust and love, one person in our lifetime. I think I have found that person but if you seem to think that we are not meant to be, then it must be true. You who knows all, who plays the cards left and right. Who, from what I’ve seen, knows nothing about real life. Maybe you think I live in a fictional world. Maybe I do look at things on too high of a level. But this is who I am, and for me, everything is real. Maybe I need more people in my life who understand me and this, but so far, the people who understand me are few and far between. If you want him back in your world, he’s yours. I’m done fighting for something that everyone is so against. Yes, I think it is worth it to fight. But I’m sick of it. I’ve been fighting for twenty years. I’m done. I’ve realized now, that perhaps I am meant to be alone.
“I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.”
An Ode to Salinger. January 31, 2010
“An artist’s only concern is to shoot for some kind of perfection, and on his own terms, not anyone else’s.” This quote from the final pages of “Franny and Zooey” is not only a snarky response from the character of Zooey Glass but a line that describes author J.D. Salinger perfectly. The death of Salinger this past Wednesday marked the passing of a controversial author but a literary genius nonetheless.
Most of us first experienced Salinger in our high school English class. As days of reading went on, the character of Holden Caulfield unfolded before us. For some of us, his words of angry adolescent wisdom was grating but for others, like me, the words reached us on a whole other level.
The world of Salinger did not stop there for those of us interested in pursuing it. “Nine Short Stories” welcomed us into the Glass family; a group of famous intellectuals and most importantly the suicidal Seymour Glass. “Raise High the Roofbeam Carpenters” and “Seymour: an Introduction” explores the relationship between brothers Seymour and Buddy.
These works were not simply stories though. They were themes to be explored, cerebral thoughts that penetrated our minds and made us think about life. The stories challenged high society and opened our eyes to the psyche of an artist’s mind. It was often clear that Salinger wrote for himself and that the darkness of the stories were inspired by his own demons and issues. But is that not what great literature often is? A novel or short story that is infused with the author’s spirit, no matter how dark, makes it all that more worthwhile.
The lives of the Glass children, upturned by the death of their brother, speaks to anyone who has ever lost someone close. The depression, the angst is all too real. For someone that had been in more than one rut, I can empathize with Franny. Being in my twenties, the line between adolescence and adulthood is quickly wearing thin. New thoughts and ideas are filling my head, and yet I just long to be a child, much like dear Franny.
Even though Salinger is gone, his stories will live on. He wrote far more than what was published, and I hope that one day they will be made available. Even if “Catcher of the Rye” was not your cup of tea, I urge you to read his other novellas. Much will come into perspective both in the literature and in your own life. Salinger, you will be missed.
Tulips, please. January 24, 2010
I hate to be the person that wants time to go by quickly, but seriously, I need it to not be winter anymore. As much as I love snugging in a toasty coffee shop with boyfriend and friends, taking some icy photography and romping in the snow with the dog, I just would really love it to be spring. The cold is getting to me and my Seasonal Affective Disorder (along with my regular depression) is really starting to make me angry.
Don’t get me wrong. I love curling up and watching movies on cold days. But after doing that for a solid month in January, plus on weekends in December and soon to be February…well I’m just strung out bored.
I need outside adventures. I need to have tickle fights in the front yard. I need to jump into the lake first thing in the morning. I want to make love under the stars.
I know the seasons will change soon enough and before I know it I’ll be begging for fall.
But as of right now…tulips, please.
Something Has Got To Give. January 22, 2010
Something needs to change. I’m tired of feeling this way.
Help.
Grind Up That Coffee January 19, 2010
Because I’m getting back into the groove of things. I’m so confident about this semester. I’m enrolled in some good classes and my schedule should really work for me. I’ve got my first article assignment from Tyler and by Friday I’ll be sitting down and editing articles from every section. I know in another month I’ll be complaining about stress, but now it feels so good to be gearing up for classes and newspaper.
This month has brought quite a bit of changes. I’ve lost a once close friend but I have become so much closer to those friends who are really there for me. I got to see Socrates and Ron a lot more than I had expected to, and although I didn’t get to see Sarah as much as I would have liked, but we still managed to have some good times. Most of all, this break has brought me closer to Adam. We had our first real fight (I say real because that drunken phone call in Austin doesn’t count) but it is over and done. I realize that I need to trust more and although it will be a long road, it is definitely a path worth taking. I’ve also realized this break that I’m growing up. I have never felt the way I do now with other guys, in the sense that for once, I feel fulfilled. He gives me everything I could emotionally hope for. We’re an odd couple but at the same time I wouldn’t have it any other way. Our differences make us who we are, and we accept that and love that about one another.
There are a lot of things in my life I am still not happy about. I want my own place and there are still a lot of people who bring me stress and negativity. I still struggle with self-image issues, even though I have a boyfriend who tells me I’m beautiful. I struggle with a lot of things mentally and I’m often times in a very bad place. At the same time though, when I’m happy…I’m happy. Nothing can touch me or bring me down when I’m content with life at the moment. I wish I could have more of those moments but I’m taking them in stride and appreciating them when I do have them. I know I’m not always content with the “now”. I’m always looking to the future to bring me happiness. Although it is good to dream, I need to start loving what I have otherwise I will be miserable my whole life. Everything will fall into place, and time goes by so much faster than I think it does. I’ll get everything I want, I know it. I just need to find patience.
This has turned out to be quite the blog post. I guess I will always have this thing, because it is great to just pour my heart out at times.
That’s it for now. Promise I’ll keep you updated. Haha.
The Cure. January 15, 2010
“I don’t care if Mondays black
Tuesday, Wednesday – heart attack
Thursday, never looking back
It’s Friday, I’m in love”
^^My week. Exactly.
For You, For Me. January 9, 2010
I write this not simply for my sake, but for yours. It is not fair that you suffer because of what other people have done to me. It is not your fault that my trust has been betrayed in the past, or that others have destroyed so easily what I had taken years to build up. In a span of two, no, three, my ability to trust has been ripped from me, slowly sewn back into my heart, only to be ripped out again in a slightly slower manner. I want nothing more than to permanently stitch myself back together. I never thought that I would be able to open up again, but here I find myself constantly sprawled out on your bed, naked, breathless, telling you what I am feeling…why I’m angry, sad, or happy. Clearly my heart can feel something that my head cannot comprehend because even though I want to be cautious, I want nothing more than to lay out my emotions. However, I realize that my openness only partially means that there is trust. I do trust you with so many things and I know that if anything bad ever happened between us that I would leave more of a damaged and broken person than I was to begin with. While I may no longer be broken, the glue holding me together is still wet. There is still things that can easily make me crumble. And I know that I really need to just trust that you won’t make me fall apart. It will take time, but I want to take the time. Is that not the first step? Someday I want to say that yes, I completely and totally trust you. I wish it did not have to be that way, I wish I could give you my unconditional trust right on the spot. But I also look at it this way: isn’t earning trust the simple building blocks of a good relationship? If you earn something with me, you keep it. You earn my trust, you’ll have it forever.
