In My Life… May 25, 2007

There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

 

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

 

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

 

I cannot believe that four years of high school has come and gone so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I walked into LCHS for the first time, scared and alone. I find now that I am leaving quite differently than I have entered. I’m leaving with some of the strongest ties and bonds, knowing that no matter how many miles we are away we will still see each other.  I know in some way I will miss them all, but those who have stuck with me through all my trial and tribulations will be missed the most. They remain dearest in my heart. I do not think it has quite hit me yet that I am graduating, but I know…when I wake up Monday morning to no alarm, or there is no rush to finish homework, I will know that it is all gone, that I have taken the final steps and a child and my first steps as an adult.

To all my friends, I love you all…may this be a day we never forget.

 

Without you… May 20, 2007

The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I’m gone.
‘Cause I die, without you.

 

Hey so this thing as a diary…glad I decided to use it as such when I’m feeling uninspired.

 

Prom didn’t go exactly as planned. In fact, the result was completely opposite of what I had hoped for. Last time I checked, prom is not supposed to end in anger and tears. All I wanted to do was dance and dancing by oneself is not fun…especially when everyone around you has a partner. So I grabbed Colin since Anne wasn’t feeling well and I danced it up…had myself a good time. I realize now that perhaps his hands shouldn’t have been on me like that and I really shouldn’t have been all over that boy. But if that’s what it takes to have fun I’ll do it.

I obviously regret that decision now. It’s true I didn’t think that it would bother Andy so much and frankly I could have done far worse things. That statement aside, it was foolish of me. I wasn’t thinking, plain and simple. I hurt the one person I care most about and it’s killing me. I know we’ve put this past us now but it still hurts. When I look at him I think to myself, “how could I have done that?” He’s the one person who likes me for me and I go ahead and jeopardize that. I have such a knack for fucking up, but this one just topped the pyramid. I thought I changed but apparently not. I’m the same old me, just as irresponsible and as much of a slut as always.

I know you’re sick of hearing it but I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I ruined everything for you, I’m sorry I can’t be the person you thought I was. They say everyone has their flaws and the good outweighs the bad. Every rose has its thorns…but seems to me I’m nothing but a thorn bush.

But it’s true…I die without you.

 

If I Could Turn Back Time… May 16, 2007

…I would smack myself for being such a dumbass. I stumbled upon my old livejournal and read it over. I gathered three things from it.

1.I am (or was) really really depressed. Glad I’ve learned to smile and be happy with myself and my life.
2.I liked E. A lot. Damn.
3.I am…yep am…a slut. I was head over heals for several guys and girls (who shall remain anonymous). I was the gushy girlfriend, the one who would do anything. That makes me sick knowing how fast I moved in those relationships. I try not to repeat mistakes…but lust got me good.

Anyways, this has got me to thinking.  I should use this to record everyday happenings and such, not just my writings. I’m thinking of it as pulling out a fresh diary, hearing the binding crack as it is first opened, the stiff pages aching to be written on.

Peace.Love.Unity.Respect.

Finally Happy. May 8, 2007

I’ve finally broken these chains that hold me.

All ties to the past are gone.

I only have the future to look to now.

An amazing future at that.

Not Ready To Make Nice. May 7, 2007

You want to know what I absolutely despise?

Snotty little 15 year old girls who think they’ve got everything figured out.  Gushy little girls (one in particular anyways) who think they know what love is, who will do anything for their older, more “mature” (yea, right) boyfriends. Immature, inexperienced little *insert profanity* who dish out I love you’s like those free chickens in the food court (Get it, right? They pass out the chickens on plates to anyone…meaning she’s a wh-*cough cough*). But I think I despise their older boyfriends more. Are you so insecure that you have to prey on innocent girls? And who are you to say you love them…especially when you’re high? Do you want to hurt them? Obviously. Or you know what else I despise? Said older guy’s female friend who approves of this. What? What ever happened to women looking out for each other? Did our mothers burn their bras for this? I think not! Girls get some self respect, open your eyes and find a decent man your own age. And dude, seriously…WTF. Must I say anymore?

Wow. I needed that rant.

ps. Moose can breathe underwater.

pps (pss? psp?). One feels so much better after putting their thoughts down. Ah…hello peaceful mind.

Call and Answer. May 1, 2007

I have no poetic words, no symbolism to offer. Not today. The sun is out but the dismal clouds and rain are settled deep in my heart. I can’t change the past, make it all right again. I’ve made a lot of stupid decisions but they’re over and done with. For once in my life I wanted something to go right but I guess sinners get what they deserve. I’ve changed, I truly have yet no one can see it. I can barely write this, the tears are coming so fast. I don’t know what I can do, how I can mend this. These thoughts are all scattered, I just can’t think. I just want things to be ok. I want to be ok. I want to stop crying. Please God, if you are there…save me from myself.

“I don’t know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I’ve been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I’ve seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don’t know how to take this.
I don’t see why he moves me.
He’s a man. He’s just a man.
And I’ve had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He’s just one more.
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I’d come to this.
What’s it all about?
Don’t you think it’s rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I’m the one who’s always been
So calm, so cool, no lover’s fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so.
I never thought I’d come to this.
What’s it all about?
Yet, if he said he loved me,
I’d be lost. I’d be frightened.
I couldn’t cope, just couldn’t cope.
I’d turn my head. I’d back away.
I wouldn’t want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so. “