My oh my….
June 23, 2007 
I’ve got lots of updating to do. So, I had orientation and since I didn’t have a computer with me I jotted my days down in a little notebook. So, here goes.
June 17- Early Morning
As I read “On The Road”, the need to escape my house has been increased. Tomorrow is my orientation. At the end of each day I’ll write a little something. Who knows, maybe I’ll be the next Kerouac.
June 17-On The Road
I notice that road trips with your mother are fun. No worries, no father. Awesome.
June 18- First Day
Well alas, my social skills fail me once again. The shyness that my friends find cute or that is encouraged away apparently did not appeal to the other people (especially the females). Yet again I found cliques and stereotyping, something I had truly hoped to be rid of. I of course made a fool of myself by falling on my ass which I suppose did not help matters much. And did I receive any help? Nope. Hell why should any of them help me? I highly respect Charles Darwin and find that his “survival of the fittest” applies to all social situations, especially college. Jesus and I thought high school was bad. I guess after today I’d give anything to be back in those halls. I guess we shall see how tomorrow goes.
ps. As a “social” side note –> When I read “On The Road”, Kerouac and his compadres took drugs and drank to defy society’s norms, set themselves apart an to up heave the system. Now, I find that my lifestyle defy society and sets the stage (for lack of a better word) revolution. To be clean is to be free.
June 19- Wake-Up
The crying spell last night left me oddly refreshed. I could take on anything today.
June 19-Home Again
It feels so good to be back in my own bed. If one thinks about it, the home is just as noisy as the dorms. However, we have just used to the noises at home. The slamming of my front door is much different from the slamming of the #216A room door. Anyways. Today was much better. I had Katie to hang around with all day and I met and hung around with this really cool kid Kevin. Funny icebreaker- “What did you say about bisexuals?”. He thought I was going to kill him if he said anything bad. Haha. We got our schedules- lots of labs for me. Most of my classes are in the afternoon, which is going to take some getting used to but at the same time it’ll be great. My brain functions best in the mornings so that will be great study time- everyone else will either be at class or have study time. I need to cut this short because my hand is cramping but I think I got just about everything in. Peace!
So that’s that.
Anything else worth updating on? Oh yes. Got my tattoo. The Hindu symbol “Om”…the sound from which Earth was created. Suits me I think. And oh yes, not even the love between Romeo and Juliet could be compared to ours.
Mirror Mirror On The Wall.
June 16, 2007 
It’s a joke to think that true beauty is measured by what’s inside. In this day and age beauty is skin deep and we all know it. If we are one of the unlucky, a little nip and tuck will do the trick. A nip, tuck and an extra million dollars. For us minimum wage folks I guess there is little hope. No one will ever truly be the image of perfection but I know several women that come close to it. Sure their personalities might be a bit warped but hey it’s better to be beautiful and mean than ugly and nice. Beauty will get you everything you ever wanted and I suppose will make you feel complete. When I watch shows like Dr. 90210, I am shocked at how many already gorgeous girls go for surgery. Don’t they realize how beautiful they already are? Obviously not so they go and have procedures done to make themselves even prettier (is that even possible?) which in turn makes us not so pretty girls go and get even more down on ourselves. I suppose I don’t want to change all my features. Just the typical thinner thighs, fatter chest…get a long blonde wig, blue colored contacts and hit up the tanning booth. This image may be overused and coined “Barbie” but hey, it’s society’s definition of beautiful. I know I’d kill to look like that. I realize it’s not healthy for me to keep thinking like this…one of these day I’ll end up starving myself to death. But hey, one less ugly person right?
Isn’t she beautiful?
Even in the 40’s…women were slightly larger but make it up by being voluptuous and gorgeous.
Caption says it all.
Artistic and yet just as gorgeous. If only we could all be so lucky.
An Almost End-of-Week Reflection.
June 15, 2007 
For the past week I’ve been working on the trolleys in downtown Lowell. At first I must admit I hated it…never thought I could get the hang of it. I was scared to death of Jim and some of the staff. I realized I just need to loosen up and let the jokes fly. I didn’t get the whole jumping onto a moving trolley thing…but now I’m set. Even my pole changing is becoming better. Jim is actually really cool and is really only mad when there are FTNs on board. That’s Fucking Trolley Nuts for those who don’t know. Josh is awesome too, he encourages me to speak more, the again he would considering he’s a motormouth. And I’m teaching him to swim. Boy does Jim have a field day with those jokes.
Anyways, tomorrow is Friday and we’ve got a full schedule. School groups and Kerouac fans. Yippee!
Despite the chaos that’ll surround tomorrow, I’m so happy that Friday is finally here. Why you may ask? Because I get to see him of course. I’ll hardly get to see him this summer because of work. I know we’ll make everyday count but I have to keep reminding myself that this is only for two months. Then college starts (oh the final and wondrous step into adulthood) and we get to see each other just about anytime we wish. I know that this is right. I know that this’ll go beyond college. Who knows…maybe marriage is in my future after all.
As Time Goes By.
There is not one day that I don’t thank God for bringing him into my life. Never before has the future been this clear…I cannot wait to make it my present.
Indeed The Old Days Are Back.
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
~Robert Frost.
C’mon Get Happy.
Nothing cures the blues like a trip to the mall with your sister then spontaneously visiting your boyfriend. Ah, the good old days are back!
Sometimes You Just Can’t Smile.
I find it hard these days to smile, despite my increased happiness. All of a sudden thoughts flood back to me, questions and uncertainty fill my mind. Tears sting my face and I hate myself for it. I feel like I missed out on something, or something purposefully excluded me. Maybe I’m over thinking, maybe I’m just naive. Lately I’ve been reading “Biting the Sun” by Tanith Lee. In the novel, the main character (who remain nameless) longs to be rid of her Jang (teenager) lifestyle. She applies to be an Older Person, but gets denied by the Council. I find parallels to my life and hers. I’m sick of being a teenager, sick of never knowing. I strive to be more mature, be accepted as an adult but I’m constantly denied by the society around me. I’m either too irresponsible, too dumb or too irrational. How do I prove that I am otherwise? But I guess that this is only the tip of the iceberg. I suppose I must look to the future and hope for something better. Maybe then I could smile.
Home again.
For the past four days I have been staying at the Double Tree Hotel in downtown Lowell for my SCA orientation workshop. In those several days, I have learned the art of interpretation. I’ve also made friends from people all over the US. Not one person was from New England…I kind of felt out of place despite the fact I was right at home. They were also all much older than me…either finishing college or have graduated. It was odd to be around older kids but at the same time I was surprised how much my inexperience didn’t matter to them. Sure they we far more outgoing than I am, but my values and opinions mattered just as much to them. And being a local definitely helped. I brought them all around downtown, especially to Life Alive which they all loved. I made a close connection to a girl from Arkansas so she is planning to come visit sometime during winter break and I’ll be going to Arkansas. Exciting, no?
It wasn’t all work though, at night I took every advantage of knowing my way around. I spent hours just wandering around downtown, going to all the parks and shops. I took an even greater liking to Kerouac Park and I sat there with a cigarette and read. I am beginning to truly appreciate all his works and the whole beat generation. I too want to get away and see the world but at the same time I know my heart is always in my home. As I sat outside at Boarding House Park I simply embraced it all and wrote. I know it’s not my best but it was something to think about.
Even the lowly ant has its purpose
He is perhaps the hardest worker
Carrying twice his weight
Never questioning his duty
What if people were more like ants
Always did what was expected
Would the world run more smoothly
Would things get accomplished
No one would starve or be without home
But it would be monotonus
The creative would not thrive
If we were like ants we’d be dull, mundane
If we were like ants we’d have security
But lack the spontaneity
The individual would not exist
And we would no longer be people ‘
This whole experience was so beneficial to me. I cannot wait for college.
