Good song.
“Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I’m not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else’s back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?”
~Alanis Morissette
“I can’t escape this hell
So many times i’ve tried
But i’m still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal”
~Three Days Grace
As of this morning the worst of my anxieties and fears have been greatly lessened.
But that recently ever-present wonder is still clawing my brain.
I don’t quite know how to fix it, or even confront it. Maybe my insanity is catching up with me and I’m creating this whole thing in my mind. Perhaps I’ve been ignoring the obvious too long and it’s time to act. I just don’t know anymore.
{UPDATE at 8:50pm}
Now I almost feel guilty for having these thoughts.
I still don’t know if I want to directly talk about it, though.
Then again I’ve never been direct about anything, maybe it’s time for a change.
You ever put so much faith into something so quick that one day you just seem to lose it?
I can’t honestly say it was lost in one day. Little by little the trust is stripped away and the questions, the worries, the constant anxiety covers it all up.
It’s not jealousy or anger, it’s just a slow realization of reality seeping in.
And let’s face it, no one like a dose of reality.
{UPDATE at 8:52pm}
I know worry makes it all worse, but the feeling can’t escape me.
After thinking about this further, I realize I’ve lost faith in no one but myself. I no longer have trust in who I am and that leads me to have a lack of trust in others. Any feelings of abandonment that I may have felt are not for me per say but what may lie within.
I’ve only got a few days left until I really know.
But if it is how I think it is, I ask myself…am I as ready as I’ve made myself out to be?
“Get away and come with me.
Come away with me and we’ll see
If I was right on that night, that a future was made
Before time takes each year, like a knife cuts it clear
It’s school, then work and then life that just sharpens the blade
I think about time for fun. I think about time for play
Then I think about being done, with no resume
With no one left to blame
What about fortune and fame?
What about your love to obtain?
What about the ring?
What about….”
~Carbon Leaf
First off I just want to point out that the last post was just ridiculous. I was just being a whiny bitch. End of story.
Now on to what I wanted to write about before I have to shower and head off to work [Point at which author glances at clock].
I’ve been listening to this song “What About Everything” by Carbon Leaf. I didn’t quite get it at first and then it hit me. It’s about wondering about how your life is going to play out then realizing that you don’t really need to know that. Life is more exciting if you just let it happen. Stop worrying because in the end it will all turn out ok.
That’s what I need to do. Stop worrying. I know I’m taking a few big steps into the adult world but I have to realize that everything is going to be fine. I need to loosen up, let it all flow like a river. [Point at which author realizes she's late for work and will finish this later] I’ll make friends, even if it takes some time. I’ll find my niche and get the hang of everything in due time. And I know I’ll always have the comfort knowing that my home is close and that I have a mother that would fly out to school in a second to save me. Not to mention of course, a wonderful supportive boyfriend that will be there for me no matter what.
Now I guess onto that subject. I feel completely awkward calling Andy my boyfriend. It seems to so juvenile, so ‘high school’. We’re beyond that, beyond simple dating. It’s a real serious, committed relationship. I know I’ve become so much more mature, and it’s all because of this relationship. I no longer find that my focuses are on sex, on anything physical for that matter but just making him happy is more than enough. Simplicity, I think is something we both aim for and that we have found in one another. Not to say however, that things don’t get trying. We learn to take the good with the bad. I mean honestly if we weren’t willing to work at it then we couldn’t honestly say we’re in love. [Point at which author realizes she better get to bed].
And now my darlings I must bid you adieu. Sleep calls and I cannot resist the urge to snuggle in and bury my face into a drool-stained pillow. Yes I drool, get over it.
I’m sick.
I can’t talk.
I have to work tomorrow.
I can’t go to the HP party.
I couldn’t get into the Honors English class because it’s full.
I couldn’t get into the Honors Chem class because I’m not smart enough.
I’ve been crying for an hour.
College will be starting soon and I don’t want to go.
I want to live at home for another year.
I miss my mom.
I can’t stop thinking about the past.
I know I’ve made a wrong decision somewhere about school.
I’m not ready to leave my sister, or any of my friends.
Everything will not be fine.
I’m not the happy-go-lucky person everyone thinks I am.
I’m miserable.
Is depression a side-effect of Lidocaine?
Love is the only thing keeping me from losing it right now.
I need a nap.
I think this rant was helpful.
Please, kill me now. Someone, anyone.
Once again I have a sinus infection. But it’s even worse this time because my tonsils and throat are both swollen. I can’t drink, eat or talk. I feel like shit and I really want someone to kill me. I have to stop smoking because it irritates my sinuses and come to find out I’m allergic to chlorine so pools or any water rides are out. Not that I mind that too much I guess considering I’ve always liked lakes and oceans better. Hey, I’d rather get a little bacteria in my system from pond water then God-knows-what type of infection from a disease-breeding communal pool. Anyways…before I pass out from lack of nutrients in my system I’m going to try and force some food in me.
I’m one of those people that belies in astrology and all that jazz. Whenever I’m in a relationship I feel the need to check our sun sign compatibility. I know there are plenty of people that don’t believe in astrology but I suppose it’s my roots in paganism that draws me to it. It has always been reliable and has never wronged me. Concerning my current relationship everything I’ve read has been a good sign. It seems that we really are perfect for each other in every way. Could life get any better? I think not. Here are just a few “reports”:
“An Aries and Gemini is usually a good love match. Aries is
cardinal fire and Gemini is mutable air. Fire and air mix together
well and they form a natural sextile which is harmonious. Both
Aries and Gemini are impulsive and enjoy new and different things.
Aries tends to be more physically active while Gemini is more
intellectually active. Combining their natural abilities and talents
could lead to great ideas and projects. However, they are unlikely
to ever finish anything. Aries is not known for their tenacity and
Gemini tends to be easily distracted. Boredom will not be a
problem in the relationship – just the opposite. Neither one is likely
to discourage risk taking and hasty decisions of each other, which
can lead them both into trouble on a regular basis. This
combination works best if there are other steadying influences in
one chart, usually either earth or fixed.”
” Aries lives for a challenge and Gemini is drawn to Aries sex appeal. Ruled by Mercury, Gemini has both beauty and brains. Aries finds intelligence to be a huge turn on. Gemini is witty and can make Aries laugh which is another bonus. Gemini thinks Aries is the best looking lover they have ever had. There is great sex potential and long-term possibility. To make this one work Aries should provide Gemini lots of freedom and keep his or her sense of humor on at all times.
Aries will also need to tone down dramatic episodes. Gemini should remain challenging to Aries for best results. Sex will be hot. Love will be very possible.
Compatibility rating: 
“
“Just remember that when you’re involved with an Aries, you’re involved with an explorer, a risk-taker, a thrill seeker and a pioneer. When you’re involved with a Gemini, you’re involved with a jack-of-all-trades, a whiz-kid, a trickster and a messenger.
If you can give an Aries action, excitement and a fresh start, they you have a better chance of getting their love and affection. If you can give a Gemini good communication, social interchanges and a variety of life experience, then you have a better chance of getting their love and affection.
Essentially, if Aries wants to be happy, Aries needs to be first and best. Somehow, some way, Aries need to find a competitive outlet. On the other hand, Gemini is essentially, articulate, versatile and adroit. Put another way, Gemini likes variety. Gemini is an idea person. Gemini’s mind naturally likes to go from subject to subject.
At times, Aries may feel like Gemini has not one, but at least two different personality sides. Gemini may need for Aries to cool it occasionally.
TIP: This relationship works best when you stay direct and return to the point.
Aries begins life with the question posed to every solar super hero, “How will you use your super powers?” Aries is here to start something new, to go where no one else has gone and to do what no one else has done. The stars dare Aries to be a pioneer, a champion and a doer. Sexually, Aries has got some naturally hot stuff.
Gemini has varied interests and like to keep up with what’s going on in the world. Gemini can be the original “quick study” who grasps facts, concepts and ideas. On the other hand, Gemini can get bored easily and do not like things to drag along. Gemini needs open lines of communication. The best friends for Gemini are the ones who appreciate Gemini’s sense of humor.”
I got home today and realized I haven’t updated on my job in a while. It’s going great if you ask me. I got jumping onto a moving trolley down pat, I can throw switches like crazy and *gasp* I even know how to drive the trolley (sadly in emergency situations only). Ryan and I get along great, he treats me like a little sister. We have so much in common, it’s kinda funny actually. Josh is awesome, we have a lot of laughs and just goof off. One of these days I really am going to throw him into the canal. I’ve made friends with the painters which is cool since they offer some great advice and have high hopes for me in college. Jim is the best, I don’t understand why I was so scared of him. He is such an old-fashioned gentleman and oh man probably the funniest person I have ever met. Tom is…well…just ok. He thinks far too highly of Seashore when they deserve no admiration whatsoever. Sharon is crazy but I love her to death. I think she’s my long lost sister. We are currently building a water fountain in the Trolley Office. Fred is so quiet but is really sweet. He makes working on Sundays worthwhile.
Everyday brings a new adventure on the trolley…let’s see. We had a collision. It was not our fault but rather Seashore’s. That motorman does not know how to drive and he ripped our running board right off. But haha to him since his door got more damage.
I found out that polishing one’s boots makes Jim happy. I came in one day with polished boots and Jim exclaimed “Hey you polished your boots…alright!!!” Everytime someone came over he was like “Hey, Amy polished her boots! Don’t they look snappy!”. I told Jim I did it just for him.
*Sigh*. I think that covers the basics. All I know is I love my job. I know now that I really do want to be a Park Ranger. I’m hoping to get an internship at the New Bedford Whaling Museum National Park next summer. Who knows I might intern again in Lowell with the Trolleys and go for my Trolley driver’s license. Hey it’s something to have.
Ah well…Adios for now!
In the heat of the afternoon
Two lovers meet
Biting the apple of desire
The starlight rain falls
Drenching them in a godly shower
They ran to the fields
Seeking shelter beneath the vines
The fruit was bright as the juices dripped from their hungry lips
The oceans beckon, cursing
The hot sand burning their feet
Punishing
They long for the starlight rain
To wash away the pain
To wash away their sins
