“I threw a pebble in a brook
And watched the ripples run away
And they never made a sound.
And the leaves that are green turned to brown,
And they wither with the wind,
And they crumble in your hand.”

Once again I find myself sick. Mono. The disease of our age. I realize that I probably got it at theater, considering we all shared make-up and whatnot. For the most part I’m feeling better, especially now that I am home. Weird, I hated coming home. This time though, I don’t mind it at all. Maybe it’s because I’m sick and my parents are being nice to me. *Shrugs*. Either way, I do miss being here all the time. I miss all the luxuries of home and *gasp* believe it or not I miss my family. Family but not friends. Odd. All my friendships here have seemed to rather die down. Do I even have friends anymore? I suppose the oddest thing of all is, I’m not sad about it. I was at the beginning of college, and I hate to say it but I was jealous of other people’s friendships. Looking back, did I actually have that great of friends to begin with? Not particularly. I mean, Marie and I are still close but we are so opposite it’s hard to relate to anything anymore. Sarah and Rachael always brought me down for some reason…let’s face it, everything we said to one another was some form of bash. Who knows though, maybe this long time apart will do us good, build up some character. And the guys I’m friends with, well let’s face it. They want my shit and that’s about it. No need to continue those. I still find it strange that I’m perfectly fine with lack of bonds. Maybe I’ve been trying far too long to hold on to things that weren’t so close. Perhaps I really am like a mouse, or a cat. Perhaps I am a solitary creature, meant to share my life with only one other person. When I think about it though, I have always been this way. Ever since I was little I had preferred stuffed animals over human company. I don’t quite understand why, maybe because my animals lacked all the evil qualities of human nature. They were pure and simple and they loved me no matter what. Obviously, I am far too old to be playing with my stuffed animals. Now I find comfort in the solitude of other activities. Reading, drawing, knitting, taking a walk in the woods. Haha, maybe that’s why I want to be a biologist…I don’t actually ever have to interact with people. That’s not to say however that I don’t have social skills. Sure I get nervous in public but I’m not lacking in social graces so to speak. *Shrugs again*. Again, I’m not writing this because I’m depressed and being morbid (as my last entries have been). I’m putting this down because for once in my life I am actually happy. I am content with just about everything in my life. I think now so-called “friendless” life has left me with a great deal of freedom. For once in my life I do not feel bound to the irrationalities and trivialities of humankind. I feel like a free woman, free to do as I please…and for once not having to please other people so that they will accept me. I mean, I am not a total recluse. I do see people but they don’t ask questions and they don’t judge me. Those are the kind of people I need, if I do need people at all. Finally, I feel liberated. And isn’t liberation what we all seek?

Now if you excuse me, I will return to snuggling with my dog and watching a movie.

“In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.”

All lyrics by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel