Ever look at an application, survey, ID form with utter confusion when it comes to checking off the little male or female boxes? Especially if the question is gender. If it said sex (or what organs you currently have) then that would make checking something off much easier. But as I’ve come to realize over my 19 years, gender is not defined by your sex. Sometimes gender can’t even be defined in one word, sentence or paragraph. It’s a mentality. It’s your soul. It’s whatever you want it to be. So, really shouldn’t that gender question be a couple of blank lines that allow us to write in whatever we like? I think so.
Now, what sparked this discussion you might ask. Well…I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I think society (and my own insecurities) have pressured me into being a “woman”. I have never really embraced that mentality though. I certainly don’t think like and woman does and the concerns of young women today are not shared by me. Honestly, ever since I was 5 (maybe younger I don’t really remember that far back) I’ve never done anything remotely “girly”. I always dressed in whatever neutral colors I could find (always in pants and over-sized t-shirts), I never brushed my hair and I was always outside getting dirty. This trend/phase/lifestyle continued all the way until freshman year of high school. I suppose it was sophomore year that I became self-conscious of my choices and started to dress more feminine (not by much though). Then again, one has to look at the situation I was in. I went to a straight-laced Catholic school that almost broke out in mass hysteria because on kid came out of the closet. Surely I wasn’t going to be the one to disrupt the peace with my…cross dressing? I suppose that’s how you would put it. Now, everyone and their mother knows I am bisexual but now- a -days that’s just another word for someone who likes sex too much. I don’t necessarily like to be associated with that logic anymore, so now my sexuality cannot even be defined. I’m not a girly girl and I’m not a macho man. Can I be both? Neither? I’m androgynous. End (or I suppose beginning) of story. I’m starting to grow my hair out again but with a quick tie up, sports bra, button up shirt, tie and khaki pants I look like a twelve year old boy. I don’t know. I really don’t even know where this post is going. With everything that has happened to me in the past three months I’ve just sort of been discovering myself. Maybe it’s not a man or woman I need…maybe it’s a trans. Maybe I’m trans and just not willing to except it because of this mentality that has been drilled into me. I just…do…not…know.
