Ever look at an application, survey, ID form with utter confusion when it comes to checking off the little male or female boxes? Especially if the question is gender. If it said sex (or what organs you currently have) then that would make checking something off much easier. But as I’ve come to realize over my 19 years, gender is not defined by your sex. Sometimes gender can’t even be defined in one word, sentence or paragraph. It’s a mentality. It’s your soul. It’s whatever you want it to be. So, really shouldn’t that gender question be a couple of blank lines that allow us to write in whatever we like? I think so.

Now, what sparked this discussion you might ask. Well…I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I think society (and my own insecurities) have pressured me into being a “woman”. I have never really embraced that mentality though. I certainly don’t think like and woman does and the concerns of young women today are not shared by me. Honestly, ever since I was 5 (maybe younger I don’t really remember that far back) I’ve never done anything remotely “girly”. I always dressed in whatever neutral colors I could find (always in pants and over-sized t-shirts), I never brushed my hair and I was always outside getting dirty. This trend/phase/lifestyle continued all the way until freshman year of high school. I suppose it was sophomore year that I became self-conscious of my choices and started to dress more feminine (not by much though). Then again, one has to look at the situation I was in. I went to a straight-laced Catholic school that almost broke out in mass hysteria because on kid came out of the closet. Surely I wasn’t going to be the one to disrupt the peace with my…cross dressing? I suppose that’s how you would put it. Now, everyone and their mother knows I am bisexual but now- a -days that’s just another word for someone who likes sex too much. I don’t necessarily like to be associated with that logic anymore, so now my sexuality cannot even be defined. I’m not a girly girl and I’m not a macho man. Can I be both? Neither? I’m androgynous. End (or I suppose beginning) of story. I’m starting to grow my hair out again but with a quick tie up, sports bra, button up shirt, tie and khaki pants I look like a twelve year old boy. I don’t know. I really don’t even know where this post is going. With everything that has happened to me in the past three months I’ve just sort of been discovering myself. Maybe it’s not a man or woman I need…maybe it’s a trans. Maybe I’m trans and just not willing to except it because of this mentality that has been drilled into me. I just…do…not…know.

Happy Birthday to…me! 19 today and honestly I don’t feel any different. Not that I’m supposed to. There really is nothing interesting about turning the big one-nine. You can’t do anything more and you’re still a teenager. Twenty should be much more eventful. And well, everyone loves turning 21. I’m not even doing anything to celebrate. Unless you count taking my American Literature final. Oh yay. Friday I’m going to Sarah’s play at Nashua North with Rachael so that should be a decent time. At least I’ll get to see my friends. Saturday Charlie is taking me indoor skydiving. Should be interesting….*shivers*. I’m looking forward to it though, he’s a blast to be with. Sunday I think my parents are taking me out to dinner. That’s always nice….(said with some reservation). I don’t know. I’m not exactly exited about my birthday or anything. I thought this year would be different. I’d do something really fun…like a weekend in Vermont with…well, never-mind. That ain’t gonna happen. Too bad I don’t have enough time this weekend to take another trip to Hampton with Socrates and his sexy lady. *Huge smile*. I love her. Hell, I don’t even have time to see my sister! Ah! But HOPEFULLY the next weekend she has free time (aka no work) we can go to the Boston Aquarium. I love taking the train…and subway. SO much fun. And hello photo opportunities. Plus the sister and I have never been to Boston by ourselves together. That sort of sounds like an oxymoron. Let’s see if I can explain. I’ve been to Boston with no parental units and I think she may have…but we have never been without the units together. There, that makes sense…I hope. Anyways, I’m just trying to kill time before math class. I’ll probably walk down to Dunkins in a few to pump myself full of coffee.

I’m trying to think of what else is new since I really haven’t been doing too much blogging, other that the occasional pictures, poetry or sad song.

Started talking to Tristan again. She got a little rescue rat so I gave her all the info I knew. Wish she came home more often but since she killed her car that’s not going to happen. Hopefully I can borrow mum’s sometime and drive up for a long weekend. Plus UVM is right next to Champlain (sp?) which is where Andrew is!!! I miss him so much, it would be great to spend some time with him up there before he comes home for the summer. I also want to hit up UMD again before the next 20 cent production for Dyaln’s body painting photo shoot. That should be interesting. But even if I don’t get to, just going to the last production will be good enough. Dunno who I’d stay with this time. Maybe Rachel in her nice Ivy dorm. Oh well, it’s not that important yet. I’ll figure it out when the date is closer.

I’m hoping this summer won’t be so much of a drag. Don’t get me wrong I LOVED my job but I rarely had time for anything else. Hopefully this summer I can manage my time better and make the most of things. After the kick in the pants I got last night I finally got everything figured out. I know…I always say I have shit figured out and then I change my mind. But this time I need to have it figured out. So:

As much as I would like to be a Fine Arts major, that won’t leave much room for my writing or Park Service jobs. SO. I’m going to go ahead and major in American Studies, with a concentration in Pop Culture and the Arts and then minor in Art. I don’t know why I just didn’t think of minoring. Such a dummy sometimes. I think that this will all tie in nicely. American Studies will allow me to write all the literary crits I want, read the great American novels as well as let me get my creative writing and journalism courses in. Also, I’ll get to take Art History courses, Film studies courses and Philosophy of music. By minoring in Art I will get to express myself and broaden my horizens with different mediums, obviosuly. Everything I study about in AS I will get to actually do in Art. Very happy about this decision.

This also makes the stress of a summer job go down. If I get hired by NPS then I’ll get paid enough in one week to buy the Nikon I want. After a month’s pay I should be able to completely turn our spare room into a sewing/painting studio. I have a basic set up now but I really need work tables to lay out my fabrics. Plus whatever I make/paint over the summer I can sell at the November Wellness Festival. And by deciding to stay with American Studies major/Art minor, I will only have to take one course at MCC over the summer – History before 1865. That way I will have all my freshman history courses out of the way and I won’t be behind. If however, I don’t get hired I’m just going to get a half-ass mall job. In which case I can take several summer classes. Oh I am in such a good mood now. Really need that coffee now.

I feel so FIERCE!

I love Christian by the way…..so glad he won PR! (I know, season finale was weeks ago but deal with it…I’m finally remembering to express my love for such an awesome designer.)

Again, the age old question: why are all the good ones taken or gay?

I’d love to know the answer. Anyways. Here’s been my Spring Break thus far.

Friday (night): movies and Chinese food
Saturday: Parent-free house and total relaxation
Sunday: I don’t remember one bit. Shit.
Monday: St. Patty’s Day/Socrates’ Birthday = Hampton Beach and Burlington Mall with awesome people
Tuesday (today): Funworld with Charlie…and a thousand other places.

I know I should write about this past weekend, let it all out. But I can’t. It’s honestly too painful and I feel like a big baby when I say that. It’s over and done with now, so I’ll leave my readers with a good Blink 182 song (appropriately highlighted) and a few lines to a Chumbawamba song. Wish I had pics…I mean, there are pics. But I think someone would be angry with me if asked to put them up.

“I get knocked down
But I get up again
You’re never going to keep me down
Pissing the night away
Pissing the night away
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a lager drink
He drinks a cider drink
He sings the songs that remind him
Of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him
Of the better times:
“Don’t cry for me
Next door neighbour…”

-Tubthumping

“Give the fuck up, she said your life is meaningless
Its going nowhere, you’re going nowhere
You’re just a fuck-up, she said I’ll live alone instead
She said you don’t care, I know I dont care

I’ll never ask permission from you,
Fuck off I’m not listening to you

I got too fucked up again, and passed out on the bridge
Have to forget you, I cant forget you
No sleep on this flight, Ill think about the nights
We had to get through, how did we get through?

Ill never ask permission from you,
Fuck off Im not listening to you
Im not coming home, Im never going to come back home

Ill run away”

-Shut Up

That title really has no relevance considering I’m not in love with anyone male or female. It’s just a Garfunkel line stuck in my head.

I’m really lacking things to update on. It kind of sucks.

Guess I have one important thing to ask:

If anything goes wrong, who will be my constant?

- LOST