You know what I hate? Being mediocre. I realized this afternoon that in everything I do, I’m just ok at. I’m an ok writer. An ok artist. An ok photographer. I practice, I take courses but I never get better. I’m a dial constantly set for medium. I’ll never make a living doing the things I want because I’m not particularly good at them. I’m going to be stuck in some shit job my whole life because I don’t have the talent to be something great. Times like these I wish I had stayed a science major. I wasn’t particularly good at that either and I would end up in some borning lab job but mixing a few chemicals isn’t too much brainwork and I do know my chemical equation balances. I can’t handle thinking up great theses or even thinking too deeply about a book. I’m no history buff and I certaintly don’t think too many philosophical thoughts. I haven’t read many great books and I have no idea what 19th century England was like. Sometimes I feel like I’m too stupid for college. I know I have the tendency to slam on myself but this time, it’s the truth. I’m ok. Not great, not terrible. I hate it and I don’t know what to do about it. Quit? That’s lame. Then I’d be an ok quitter. No one likes one of those. I guess I need to find something I’m good at. Trouble is, I’m running out of time.
Artwork. October 27, 2008
So despite all my talk of being an “artist”, I don’t actually have any artwork posted on here. So I took a feew pictures of several paintings (all unfinished, keep in mind) and posted ‘em below.
19th Century Woman Facing Demons (unfinished)
Close-up of Silhouette
Leaves (touch-up needed)
Abstraction of Flowers I (finished)
Articulation Of Feelings. October 25, 2008
Because Dave Matthews knows how to articulate feelings better than I.
“God I want you so badly
And I wonder this
Could tomorrow be
So wondrous as you there sleeping
Let’s go drive ’till morning comes
And watch the sunrise and fill our souls up
Drink some wine ’till we get drunk…
…It’s crazy I’m thinking
just as long as you’re around
And here I’ll be dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
To each other we’ll be facing
My love
By love
We’ll beat back the pain we’ve found
You know
I mean to tell you all the things I’ve been thinking deep inside
My friend
Each moment the more I love you”
-Crush by Dave Matthews
Manhattan and Books. October 24, 2008
After watching the Sex and the City movie last night (and promptly bawling my eyes out through half of it) I came to realize two things. One, no matter how many times you mess up or get screwed over your friends will always be there for you. Two, no matter how old you are you will always find love. I prefer not to find it when I’m 40 like Carrie but…I’m willing to bet it’ll take that long. In the meantime I’m going to get by with the three most amazing friends in the world: Sarah, Rachael, James. We may not be going out every night dressed in Dior (oh god those AMAZING blue pumps) and vintage Marc Jacobs (SOMEONE please buy me some), hitting up new Manhattan bars and drinking fancy martinis. I’m not a published writer, Rachael is not a lawyer, Sarah is not a housewife, and James is not a sex god (that I know of anyways but Rachael PLEASE spare me the details). We’re a bunch of college students looking for a good time wherever we can find it. We’ve got each other and that’s really as good as it’s going to get. I don’t know what the future holds. I’m frightened as all hell of it but at the same time….I can’t wait. Who knows, maybe the four of us will move to New York like we dreamed when in high school. Rachael and James with their ten kids. Sarah with her Broadway career. And me. In my studio apartment filled to the brim with books, canvases, and a whole lot of love.
Because Everything Is Rent. October 22, 2008
“You’re the Roger to my Mimi…minus the AIDS.”
Because I’m so clever that I have to write this shit down. -laughs out-loud-
“I Should Tell I Blew The Candle Out
Just To Get Back In
I’d Forgotten How to Smile
Until Your Candle Burned My Skin”
-J.Larson
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Edit: 8:30pm
So…looking at old pictures from high school makes me depressed. Worst four years of my life and yet some of the best memories. I love and miss everyone…I hate losing the people I held so close. The mass for Pat Frye is Monday night. I don’t know if I have the guts to go. I’m crying my eyes out over people that are alive. I don’t think I can face up to the death of those I knew. Andy has been texting me; he’s really excited for Afghanistan. If he dies over there…christ, I can’t even think about that without breaking down. I need to keep telling myself that he’s tough and my friends here aren’t going to ever abandon me. They’re all so great…I always feel like a fuck-up next to them. But shit, my self pitying is so off topic. How did fall into this state of mind, again? Oh yea. Pictures.
My amazing class of 07….Dr. Pyne is right in front, may he rest in peace. I’m in between Andy (making a face) and Faith who I’m really sad to have lost contact with. Rob is right in front of me in that black coat. Oh, Rob and your phases. You have the populars posing and others giving the camera glares. But that was our class. As much as I disliked many of you, I loved ALL of you. What I wouldn’t give to be in Mrs. Delaney’s AP English class. Rob arguing with Cassie or Comfort…Sam and I passing notes. Bobby making some reference to something. Andy texting me. Rachel going on about Nick and everything just being all around good.
Me, Monica, and Anne after our amazing Bio trip to the MOS in Boston. LOVE those girls.
Sadly…those days are long gone.
Some Thoughts. October 21, 2008
So I’m looking at this torn, wet piece of paper that is being held together with the cheapest tape I could possibly own. It has nothing more on it than a joke, a few x’s and o’s and that little dash with a name next to it. It’s cute, it’s sweet, and for some odd reason it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It feels good to be thought of. Christ, it feels good to be with him. Just right, you know? Nothing compares to being happy because you’re with someone you care about. It has only been a few weeks but I feel something.
I know we are far from that point in the relationship but I can’t help but listen to ‘For Emily, Whenever I May Find Her’ by Simon and Garfunkel. Someday Amy….someday.
I’m Sure I’ll Think of an Interesting Title. October 17, 2008
Sitting in the Library with Ginsberg aka The First Week in October
Sitting there
In a green chair
With Ginsberg
And his flowing hair
What nonsensical drabble
Pours from our mouths
Silly as the clock ticking
Annoying as rhyme
Oh but what is the time?
We sip our coffee
And pull out a novel
Idea
From Within
Men pass by
I think he cares more than I
Again, the rhyme
Is it a sign?
And as we grow weary
Exhausted of each other
With each other
However it goes
Look, no rhyme!
(I think that should be a question)?
He’s meeting Dylan
Something important to do
So I sit there
In a chair
In the library
But I’m leaving
And this final
Tenth?
Drink is for you.
I don’t know if this is the worst poem I ever wrote…or it’s actually decent. I think I’ll go with worst. Ha.
American Boy. October 15, 2008
Oh, Estelle…and Kanye. Now that makes for a good club song. Speaking of which, I am dying to go clubbing. I really wish I was spending the night in Dartmouth on Halloween so I could hit up some Rhode Island clubs. I just have all this pent up energy that needs to be expelled and I would love to do that dancing. Not that I really can dance but I like to pretend.
I feel like these past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion. I’ve certainly gotten closer to Tim and he just seems like an easy person to open up to. And we all know that I am not an open person when it comes to emotion. I mean, I’m not shouting off of rooftops how I feel but everything just seems to be able to come out alright when I’m with him. I don’t know…there is just a certain level of comfort that seems to exist. He’s simply relaxing to be with and just seems like a good American boy. Something I feel I both want and need.
Anyways. Last Sunday I went to the MFA and saw the new exhibit on Assyrian art. It actually wasn’t bad at all but of course I love the American artists the best. The MFA has a whole wall dedicated to Kara Walker (look her up!) who I just love. The Winslow Homer wing is pretty awesome too…I wish I had time to see more though. I think I’m going to Boston again this weekend with James to have some adventures in the Common. Maybe I can drag him to Saks 5th.
Ah well. I feel like painting. So I’m gonna go do that now. Au revior!
Oh, and here’s something for the hell of it.
You Can’t Just Hop A Plane And Visit Me Again. October 8, 2008
It is safe to say that I have not been updating this blog. I just can’t seem to find the time to sit down and write about my day anymore. All my time on the computer is spent writing papers and checking facebook (I’m lame, I know). Now that I finally have a minute to kill before British Women Novelists I thought I would update this thing.
School is has been going well, pretty much the same thing day in and day out. The Connector has been keeping me pretty busy, and in more ways than one. I’ve expanded my horizons to the News section, again in more ways than one. Yes I wrote a news article but my dears that is only the beginning. Why would little artsy ol’ me be interested in news? Well no doubt because there is a charming fellow who is the editor. We’ve gone out a few times now and I think this relationship may show some potential. It’s kind of nice to meet a decent, older (but not 30) guy for once. I could totally use a break from the usual bad-boy jerks I’m attracted to (or rather, are attracted to me). But I can’t say I’m going to get too invested in this. I did have my heart broken for the third time by the same douche only two months ago…so I’m rather skeptical about getting in too deep with someone. Time to put my guard up again I suppose.
