Snow and Patrol. November 30, 2008

I love unique clothing: t-shirts, sweatshirts, scarves

I adore prints on: dresses, skirts, handbags

I love shopping, even when I am poor.

I’ve found a comfortable balance with wearing “designer” clothes and keeping my relaxed/artsy style, thanks to Rachael Zoe: Bullhead jeans, t-shirt from an online store, designer handbag, scarf and shoes (preferably Vera Bradley, Burberry, Dior)

I’m in love with Snow Patrol right now.

I am with someone who makes me come alive, and is the love of my dreams.

And I even found things I want to get him for Christmas!

(I love how the shopping theme comes full circle in this blog)

Wait! They Don’t Love You Like I Love You. November 28, 2008

Was I even coherent when I typed that last blog entry? Probably not.

Thanksgiving went really well! Melissa cut her hair…it is so adorable! I know I wasn’t too fond of her when she entered the family but I really love her now. Jeff and I talked about how the world is going down in flames and of course, being an environmentalist. He is just as cynical as me! It’s great. Haha. I actually didn’t talk to Bryan and Allyn that much but then again, I hardly ever do. My nephew is so cute by the way! He’s getting to be really animated. He loved my dad but that’s probably because Jeff and dad look pretty similar (and dress the same…plaid shirts and beards! LOL). I’ll throw some pictures up on here once I steal them off my mom’s camera.

Tonight I’m supposed to being going to dinner with James, Rachael, Tim and Sarah in downtown Nashua. I think there is a 90% chance that it is only going to be Sarah and Tim. Friends suck sometimes. Ya know?

Anyways. I miss Tim like crazy so I’m going to cut this blog short and go get showered and dressed!

Long Live The Turkey! November 26, 2008

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I don’t know how anyone can feel good about themselves whilst eating a poor, innocent turkey. That’s just cruel! I doubt the turkeys are giving thanks. Or Native Americans. My issues with the consumption of animals aside, I am not highly looking forward to the “holiday”. Who wants to sit around with a bunch of family memebers and watch football? Not me. Issues with family and large groups aside, tomorrow has the potential to be ok. Provided my uncle doesn’t piss me or dad off, everything should be fine. Friday I am looking forward to. Dinner with the friends. Awesome! Although I just don’t know how awesome everything will really be. Ugh. Anyways. Saturday is going to suck because of this 966 business. More on that in my next post. And Sunday…well…I need to clean/destroy/redecorate my room. Or mom is going to KILL me.

S.O.S. November 25, 2008

“When I was 8 I was sure I was growing nerves
Like steel in my palm
Make a map of what you see
Dragged pain effectively
I was 8, I was sure I was growing pain
Like lead in my feet

S.O.S. to my mother
Take the hinges off the door
S.O.S. to my mother
Take the hinges off the door”

-Tegan and Sara

After a tear-filled confession to Tim about how miserable I am with my living situation, I started to take in what he said on the ride home. Yes it is messed up how my parents control me like they do. Yes no parent has the right to do that, especially at age 20, 19, whatever. I’m currently watching Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and in this episode Dr. Drew is addressing parent issues with the patients. Almost all addicts have parent issues, whether it is because the patients were repressed, neglected, or abused. Obviously I am not an addict but I do have an addictive personality. People who are depressed and such turn to drugs and alcohol because they can’t find any other escape. I’ve had my stint with alcohol and sparking up. I’ve stopped because it’s unhealthy but everyday it is a struggle not to smoke. I smoke because I’m on edge. I’m on edge because of my parents. It’s an endless cycle that won’t end until I am out of that house. And when will that be? 3? 4 years? Going to Sharon’s has helped. Being at school, occupying my allowed time with Tim and Sarah has helped. Allowed time? Am I a prisoner? I am beginning to think so.

Sad Excuse For Poetry. November 24, 2008

Fingers tightening around curls noir

Bring a face closer

Gazing into a shallow soul

No color floods the eyes

Grey and sick with deceit

Punishment befalls the betrayer

A kiss without passion

A Chill

It is not out of love she cries

but Lust.

~

Perhaps this is part two of Sapphic Desires? Both need to be expanded. Ugh. I suck.

Danger Danger Will Robinson! November 22, 2008

So I have a combination of good and bad news to blog about tonight.

I figure, let’s start off with the bad and get it over with.
1. I’m sick. I have some kind of stomach bug most likely…all I’ve been doing is throwing up and feeling nauseous. I’ve been chugging liquid antacid which has helped to settle my stomach.
2. I’m freaking out about class sign-ups. They’re not even a big deal but I’m so worried about getting my gen eds done and everything that it is really weighing on me. Perhaps why I am also getting so sick.
3. I may have had a moment of insecurity last night with Tim but [and this is now turning into good news] I now realize that it is just stupid of me to even have those thoughts cross my mind. He’s not going to leave me for some ex…or anyone else for that matter. We’re totally devoted to one another and unless I seriously fuck up, which at this point I have no idea why I would even want to jeopardize this relationship in any way, shape, or form, nothing is going to change.

Now, for some good news!

1. Went to my first UML hockey game with Tim, Krista, Audrey, Tony, and other assorted connector folk. It was quite an experience. College hockey fans are much more rowdy than the other local teams I’ve seen, but I’m totally willing to embrace that. I’m still kind of in my shell when it comes to Connector gatherings and such but I think that’s starting to break. I’m starting to get comfortable. And I know I should try to be more social with everyone but, well…we all know I’m not one for socials.
2. Sharon finally bitched out Jake today at work. It was AMAZING.
3. Did I mention I was in love? I did? Ok good.

Ain't we fuckin' amazing?!

“Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I’ll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it’s so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it”

-Dashboard Confessional

Dum-Dum-De-Dum-Dum-Da-De November 19, 2008

I’m annoying! And here’s some random photography that I took!

Morning Update. November 16, 2008

It was certainly good to finally say all the things that needed to be.

I am feeling better today, although I know this is only a temporary happiness.

My parents more or less shrugged off the fact that I need to start seeing a professional again, but to be fair I’m 19 and I do need to sort these things out on my own.

I am starting with a new doctor the first week in January. I think seeing a medical doctor first might be better, just to make sure it isn’t my anxiety that is doing all the damage. From there I’m sure she can recommend some psychiatrists.

It’s not that I am putting it off because I’m not. I think right now I have a lot on my plate, and a weekly (if not more) visit to the couch may just add to the stress of it all. I think dealing with my problems while I’m on a break would be much better. That way, I’ll have a month to sit and think about changes, adjust to any meds I might be put on, and start thinking positively.

I have been considering going on a retreat. There are several local places that I’ve read about and it seems like something that could really clear up my mind.

I know I’ve done an excellent job of worrying Tim. But I’m glad that he is here to support me. I’d pretty much be lost without him. He’s my constant. <3

It’s Getting To That Point Again. November 15, 2008

I feel so worthless. I feel so depressed. I am constantly belittling and undervaluing myself. I make it out to be joke, yet it really isn’t. I’m worrying myself sick over the littlest of things. Everything makes me cry or want to lash out. I’ve fallen into a pit of sarcasm and bitterness.

The thing is, I don’t know why I’m feeling this way.

It started in the summer. By August I was finsished with everything in my past. Done. By September I was ready to take on the world. Two weeks into school, I started feeling like this again.

In reality though, life was getting better. I found Tim (or rather he found me). I am doing well in my classes. I am happy with school.

Home life is unstable.

I feel like I can’t accomplish anything great. I feel like I just scrape across the big ocean called Life.

I’m in love. Frankly, I think his support for me is the only thing keeping this boat afloat.

I have been wrestling with depression for some time now. Five years since I was diagnosed. I haven’t seen a therapist in two. It was only mild when she first told me I had it. But I think it has become worse through the years.

It runs in the family, you know. My grandfather has it. His brother killed himself. My dad has it, at least since the death of his mother.

I’ve spent my life taking care of my friends and lovers, neglecting my own needs. I think it may be time for a change.

She always told me to blog, keep a diary. It lets me express what I can’t say directly to people.

I think.

Maybe.

I just might need.

Help.

What I Want. November 14, 2008

I am feeling superficial. Is that even how you spell it? Anyways, I decided to make a list of all the things I want and will actually save my paychecks for. Color coded for your fun! (This a dumb post so just ignore it)

Lowell Apartment
Ford Focus or Toyota Prius (Dark Blue)
Nikon D80
1 Pair of Dior Black Pumps
1 Vintage Marc Jacobs Dress
1 Vera Bradley “Betsy”-style Bag (Night Owl Print)

Yay mindless spending!